March 22 - ups and downs

Hey Friends,

Well, it’s been around 3 weeks since my last update.  Until recently, it’s been quite boring (but positive).  Over the 3 weeks I was (slowly, slowly) gaining weight.  I was up and about more.  My appetite and energy level had been low for a long time.  Recently, I was eating full meals, extra shakes and some snacks.  My energy level was WAY UP.  I went for a long walk with the family (hadn’t done that since January) and played with the boys, which I haven’t been able to do with the lack of energy.  Luckily the Corona Virus isn’t affecting our family much.  We have been and will continue to hunker at home (with a few play dates for the kids).  Honestly, I had been getting up in the morning to spend time with God, but because (insert excuse), I haven’t been getting up recently.

Then came Monday.  We had a great weekend only to develop a deep cough that day.  I stayed inside and laid low, but the cough hurt.  And I think with all the pressure and tensing of the cough, I may have pulled something in my lower, left abdomen.  The pain is terrible.  This kind of pain brought me to the ER in January, when this all started.  I started on Morphine again (which I’d been off of for weeks) but the help hasn’t come yet.  I can only lay in my bed and not move or talk without pain – all for the last 6 days.  If this is like before in January, it took around 6 days on Morphine at the hospital to have the pain subside.  Well, I can eat my food, sleep in my bed, and take Morphine, by myself, thanks.  Tackling this at home isn’t fun, as I am confined to bed for the most part, and can’t help when the house is a mess, dinner needs to be made, and the kids (and maybe Des and I) are crying.  Me failing is one of the hardest things to overcome – mentally and physically. 

Our hospital bills (not including insurance, so we will pay less) have topped $130k, and, realizing there are some very important drugs, supplements, and therapies available to fight cancer, (some expensive) we have been able to carefully choose which to do and which to not do, and have the money to do as much as we can to help defeat this thing.  We continue to thank God for all of you and for your support in many different ways.  I appreciate all the comments on Facebook and recommendations of things to try.  If I could respond to everyone, I would. 

We wanted to wait until the beginning of April for more scans (4 weeks after declining the chemo.)  This scare has me packed ready for the ER if needed.  Though I think the ER is a sick and full place right now, so I’m taking that into account as well in staying home.  We are now trying to get a scan this week and see if what we are doing is working.  If the tumors are growing, then what I’m doing isn’t working and chemo is the last hope (not a good one).  However, if it shows no growth or a little shrinkage, I will be singing shouts of joy to the Lord and continuing down the natural path.  It is a scary place to be – with answers coming that could point me toward more healing or closer to death.

We want this to be over.  It’s becoming more than we want to deal with.  I know that suffering is predicted in the Bible and that there is a lot of good that God can show through this.  That doesn’t mean it’s hard and I want instant healing.  I’m hanging on to the little faith and trust I have left.  We continue to appreciate your prayers and pray that you would hold your family tight this week (they are all at your house for the whole week…)  If you and your spouse or kids are alive and healthy, that’s all you need.  Let all the trivial things go.  Enjoy each other during this quarantine.  I’ll let you know what the scan says.

In Him,

Ryan